I will be entering the final year of my 40s in just a couple of weeks. This reality tends to make me think about what my life has meant so far. And if I’m brutally honest, I don’t think it has meant much. I haven’t made millions, owned property, or acquired any desirable assets. Every job I’ve worked has enriched someone else. The pebble of my life hasn’t made many ripples on the lake of life. By the stats, I’m more than halfway done. And it’s been a pretty forgettable experience in terms of what I’ve accomplished through work, or jobs - how I have spent the majority of my time.

So I’m faced with a choice: be depressed by my lack of accomplishments, or look forward and do things that make the next 50 years a lot more meaningful. And interesting.

I do look back to draw on lessons I’ve learned, which is mostly what not to do,  and what not to believe. Looking back reminds me of the failure of narrow belief systems that destroy the individual and restrain personal development. Looking back reminds me to pursue the things that make me feel alive and full of purpose. Looking back reminds me of the death I lived, my escape, and the place I can now have in the collective we call life.

I am learning to value my time. This means learning how I am wasting time. Now that I am approaching the realm of the old, I think I’ve earned the right to share the kind of lessons that start with “When I was a kid…”. 

When I was a kid, I had books to distract me. Eventually, I also had television, but it was only allowed during certain hours and for just a limited amount of time. When there were reruns, we usually shut it off and did something else. Typically, that something else was going outside or reading a book. I am learning to do that again. Books were a magical means of traveling worlds and alternate realities, or learning valuable information about the real world or how to do something new. Now we have YouTube, which can be incredibly valuable, but also can be an incredible time suck. We have all had that experience of looking up a How To video and realizing hours later that we have gone through some sort of wormhole to remembering popular toys from a childhood that wasn’t even ours, or worse, endless silly pet videos. Of course, the cell phone has put worlds of entertainment and distraction in the palm of our hand. Our screen time is becoming the dominant feature of our existence. It’s more real to us than real life in some ways. Going outside is a fantastic antidote. We live on a fascinating planet, and know so little about it. There is so much to explore.

As I age, I am more aware of how little time I may have left, and I’d really rather have something to show for that time than a really odd YouTube history. So I am working on filling my time with making things that reflect what I am finding important in life. I make art that is a reflection on the paths we can choose in life. I make art that reflects on moments in life that are important or have new opportunities within. I write to expand those concepts and share them with anyone who wants to listen and develop along with me.

I hope that these activities will result in a body of work that actually matters to people who come into this wild and amazing life after I leave it. So I have to ask myself frequently, “What are you doing? Did today matter? Are you living as well as you can?”

Fortunately, the question asked in social settings is usually, “What do you do?” - and not, “What have you done?” Anyone who asks me what I do gets an earful now. I feel a sense of urgency more strongly now to make something that has an impact, or influence, or rizz, or whatever the kids say these days. I suppose that I could wish I had figured out some of these things 20 or 30 years ago, but I am grateful that I have learned something of value.

If I am lucky enough to live another 50 years, I will be spending it making something of value that I can share with you.